A Client's Perspective: My Awakening

My thank you letter to Mark:

From Vanilla...To Ever So Slightly Kinky...to my complete Sexual Awakening.

For years I believed I was content being alone. Safe. Independent. Untouchable. After surviving a controlling marriage and spending four years rebuilding my life, I thought intimacy was something I had left behind forever. Then a chance encounter reignited something I thought was gone. What began as curiosity became a journey of self-discovery, sexual awakening, and empowerment. This is my story of finding the courage to ask for what I truly wanted.

Meeting with Mark from Bowties has led me to release myself from my self-inflicted "vanilla-missionary till I die...." persona that I have been inhabiting all my life, to giving me a safe space to explore my kinks, which finally led to my complete sexual awakening.

Graphic Content Warning:

Please leave any judgementalness (don't think that's a word???) here, before reading on. If you haven't read any other client perspectives, please do so; they all have elements that resonate with me, the nerves, the mindset to be in a desperate space where you are googling escorts, etc! But, I wanted to give you my unique client perspective, which is a little more kinky, as that was my journey - hot, passionate, sexy, kinky, orgasmic, sexual awakening bliss. Still here...read on.

Sexually, I have always sat in the vanilla, missionary girl role. I admit I am lucky as I can orgasm through penetration and clitorally, but my partners have not been open to anything but vanilla

OR... CORRECTION...

I should actually say that my people pleaser side was so strong that I was programmed to give a good "porn star performance" for my lovers. This dynamic did not require me to tell them what I needed or what I wanted. I have been told quite a few times that I am "the best they ever had", - which at the time was the exact (I am sure not truthful) external validation that I needed, but now sickens me, as I never spoke up about my needs and wants. I was purely focused on their pleasure - sorry, boys, that's off the table now!

I was hyper aware of what society deems "normal" and too ashamed to talk about things I quietly fantasised about. I have never been with a woman, but my go-to porn is lesbians taking their time, slowly giving each other crazy amounts of pleasure. I love the sheer look of pleasure/pain/loss of control that overcomes them, all with a vibe of pleasure for both the receiver and the giver. My favourite porn site is Bellesa, which is free and made by women for women. There is lots of straight porn and the spectrum on there to explore what you're into in a safe space. My problem with straight porn is that I get way too much of the poor women getting punished vibes - massive turn off (even with you, my beloved Bellesa, sorry to say!)

I reached out to Mark as a 47-year-old, four-year divorcee, survivor of a cheating, gaslighting, controlling narcissist, and I had a life-changing event, which focused me to urgently reassess my life's priorities. I had been living quite successfully for many years with no gentle touch, certainly no orgasms, just someone taking and taking what they need without asking, even while knowing that I didn't want to give it. To get through it, my mind would leave my body.  It was traumatising mentally, emotionally and physically painful, but that was just a normal dreaded Saturday night. I had been with my husband for eighteen years, four kids and a whole lot of gaslighting and narcissism later, I had to leave him as I caught him cheating.  It took four years of absolute hell from separation to divorce.  Anyone who has tried to leave a narcissist knows they don't let you go easily, even if they have moved on.

Post separation, I had four years of peace with an empty bed, and I revelled in it.  No need to cater to the other half's needs, walk on eggshells, wonder what mood they were going to be in - it was absolute, pure, unadulterated bliss. The happiest I have ever been. The TV remote was all mine.  Time to become financially independent, claw back long-lost girl friends who did not share my shame at my marriage ending, they were happy for me, which was a beautiful surprise and relief.  New friends, work friends, started a business, worked full-time, got promoted in the corporate world, took full-time care of my kids, and just being so very busy all day long.  

People asked - have you got a boyfriend? I would swallow back the vomit that stung the back of my throat.  Boyfriend - are you kidding me??? I would proudly state:

 "I love being alone", and I absolutely, 100% meant it. 

"All men are dangerous."

"Relationships are dangerous for me as a people pleaser and an over-thinker."

"I will never let another man touch me as long as I live."

I knew deep down I was totally off the market for life.

I have never been happier.

I have never been safer.

HOWEVER

After my life-changing, revelatory event, I had a profound, sickening revelation:

I hadn't been living, I had been hiding. 

That hiding is no way to live. 

I had swapped my marriage prison to only go and unknowingly freeze myself into a sexless prison of my own making...and to be so happy and blatantly proud about it, crazy really.

BUT safer to feel nothing, and be in control, than to put myself in a potentially dangerous situation/relationship.

The funeral sparked a strange metamorphosis - I felt good dressing up for the first time in years. I found myself being flirted with and surprisingly flirting back on the aeroplane. At the funeral, I was introduced to a devastatingly handsome married man. My breath stuck in my throat as he squeezed my hand hello. He had just the kind of intelligent eyes, immaculate suit-wearing, charming, cheeky smile, fire in his eyes that lingered on me a lot longer than it should have, which made me feel self-conscious, and the blood flushed up my neck into my cheeks. He had my absolute favourite kind of long piano player fingers with prominent bony wrist, which turns out is a massive kink for me. I quickly submerged all these feelings as not appropriate. However, something lit up inside me...that flick of the pilot light, that quiver "downstairs"...I felt alive again.  I hadn't missed the feeling while I was healing from the narcissist's gaslighting, verbal, psychological and sexual abuse, but that fire quickly started to lick through me and consume me; it was uncontrollable.

I briefly considered internet dating apps - but that was messing with my "Strong Independent Woman" vibe I was in. It looked to me like a deep, dark pool of dangerous narcissists. I did not have the time, energy, strength or willingness to try and sift for a "good one."

Instead, I searched up escorts, all these gorgeous women filled the screen. Despite their unbelievable bodies (seriously, men are so lucky!), lacy lingerie, gorgeous bedroom eyes and explicit descriptions of what they could do to me, I surprisingly was not feeling it.

I typed "Male Escort"....and after some searching through weird, scary, do me in my car type stuff that seemed super dangerous....thankfully, boom, Bowties....I was hooked. 

It was the gorgeous photography that first drew me in, then the subtle, intimate wording, the feeling of safety and security, and the Companions all looked so delicious and age-appropriate. The experiences were so well thought through and worded to perfection.  I devoured every word on every page. All my questions were answered. I was extremely turned on by the time I reached out to the founder, Mark.  I figured he was the most experienced one to handle me - I could feel my younger, rather feisty self returning, and I used to be quite the handful.

I messaged him and got a surprisingly fast reply that same day. I wasted no time. I told him exactly and in very explicit detail what I wanted out of my rendezvous. I was NOT holding back. What was the point?  I was paying an expert for a purely sexual orgasmic encounter, the way to make it the best experience for me was by telling him what I wanted; otherwise, how was he going to know?

Well, well, well, I have never had so many orgasms in my LIFE in the few days before our rendezvous. I had been given a beautiful safe space, a container, in which to spill out all my deepest, darkest desires. A space to ask if a kink was "weird" - and the response was always somewhere along the lines of "no... I think it's sexy." That racked up my confidence and really gave me the freedom to start to explore what turns me on.

So, I had clearly left the land of vanilla and started down my journey into what I call the "slightly kinky." I'm not talking whips, chains, bondage, 50 Shades of Grey stuff...just more of what do I want? What turns me on?

My kinks turned out to be:

Intelligence,

Long piano-playing fingers,

Protruding wrist bones, I just want to gently bite,

Corporate/executive suit-wearing, wine connoisseur types,

Ever so confident, manly men,

I'm wearing stockings and suspenders, and all they can do is pleasure me,

No pressure at all for me to have to do anything for them.

I could feel the pressure relieved from my soul.

My kink is all about me.

My kink is knowing what I want and asking to receive it.

So freeing to be able to explore that in my fantasy space, and I revelled in it.

I started off telling Mark I wanted to be his "pillow princess" and he would be my "teasing controller", his only task to pleasure me deeply with no expectation that I would need to do anything for him or to him. I told him I wanted one hour of the "Slow Surrender", all about pleasuring me, starting with his signature sensual massage. Booked in, so excited, counting down the few days till we meet.

However, as my thoughts, ideas and research kept spilling into my safe container, the fantasies diversified. I kept asking him to extend our booking time as I had more and more ideas for what I wanted to achieve out of this once-in-a-lifetime encounter. I loved re-reading the experience descriptions and deciding what was going to fit my evolving needs. I changed my booking from one hour "Slow Surrender", to two hours "After Dark", changed my mind again and booked three hours of "Control" and then finally upped it to four hours of "Control".

It had become clear that my particular kinks that needed to be worked out were essentially about Power and Control.

Who holds the power?

Who has control?

Is it safe for me to lose control?

Is it safe to surrender?

Can I even turn off my overthinking mind to surrender?

What do I get out of giving?

Do I just want to be taken, no need to give?

Will I miss out on a power high if I don't give something?

So many questions like these kept on turning up and twisting the path and kinking me up...

This was the start of my sexual awakening.

I had a list of all the things I was going to do to him. I knew I did not have to worry about his ability to make me orgasm when control was handed to him, which was an absolute relief. As I am a giver and a pleaser at heart, one of my kinks is having sexual power over someone. Of course, I want someone to pleasure me, but playing with my ability to hold sexual power and control was too fun for me to keep off my list.

I went on a big voyage of preparation for this experience. I did all those things I haven't done for 21 years to get ready for a hot, hot, first date. Hair, mani, pedi, eyebrows, eyelashes, tan, lingerie, sexy heels. As I have major body insecurities, I wanted to feel as confident as possible, so I probably did take it a bit far! But for me, it was like a ritual, and with every delectable step of self-care I had neglected for so long, I felt my confidence and inner self coming more and more alive.

So I was "ready", butterflies smashing around in my stomach and a wickedly enjoyable dirty secret I was sure everyone could read in my smile. Tick, tock, he would be arriving any minute. I had my list, and I waited for his knock. For confidence, I was wearing a stunning coat over my lingerie. I wasn't even nervous when I opened the door, though I was excited. It was like seeing a very, VERY, EXTREMELY SEXY old friend. He instantly put me at ease, and the fantasy unravelled in the most delicious, steamy, intense way, better and more orgasmic than I ever could have imagined.

His physical strength was such a surprise, like seriously, wow, the intensity with which he held me was something I have never experienced. He wasn't a dumb, muscly, gym bro, Alpha Male strength type (so not my kink), but his hands and those fingers and all his muscles are so strong...so my kink. He made me feel safe, seen, and so desired. How can someone so powerful and strong be able to make me come so alive under such a gentle touch? He is so skilled and opened me up to things I never knew I liked, and now I can't live without.

It turns out I am definitely not vanilla anymore - I am quite full of kinky twists and turns, as we all are, ladies, come on....safe space....you can admit a few...to yourself at least. He helped to show me what they were and ironed them out with four hours of absolute orgasmic bliss.

What surprised me even more is that I thought this would be a one-off adventure - a crazy, nutty, wild thing to do once only - like a holiday fling, but I have already booked to see him again.

My sexual awakening is now morphing into sexual empowerment, and this delicious switch has only just been turned on - why oh why would I want to stop now? So much more to explore, so many kinks to find and iron out. It has made me realise:

What I want,

That I need to ask,

Not to be ashamed to ask,

It's heaven.

Its freedom.

I feel as though he is a bridge for me, from my old people pleaser, doormat self to my kinky, naughty, assertive self - I didn't know I needed that bridge. But now, internet dating, being asked by a hot, single, suit-wearer for my number and giving it...looks fun and exciting instead of dangerous and scary. I have been awakened to what I need, and to receive it, all I have to do is ask.

Thank you, Mark, for everything. I can't wait for our next rendezvous. I already have the title:

"Chapter Two: From Sexual Awakening to Sexual Empowerment."

Ladies, if you are still reading, you're pretty sure to enquire. You are not just paying for the hours that you see them; you pay for the lead-up, the delicious, divine memories. You only have one problem...which Bowtie Companion resonates with you - the power of choice is all yours, ladies, have THE best time of your life, you deserve it, and you are more than worth it. Remember - you only live once.