A Client's Perspective: I Missed Myself

By Mae

[My name is Mark and I create bespoke companion experiences for my discerning female clients. These may be platonic or something a little more intimate. I have asked several of clients to recount their perspective for your benefit. Ever wonder what goes on behind closed doors with a professional male companion at your fingertips? Then read on...]

Why did I decide to seek out a male companion?

I missed myself. I couldn't remember what it felt like to just be me.

A Trojan horse with a tough exterior, constructed from responsibilities of carer for elderly parents alongside those of a mother, and wife. Nailed shut in a dysfunctional marriage with an absence of any physical affection for decades. Inside I remained, unseen and increasingly despondent.

Perimenopause brought the red mist, lost sensation, and feelings that vacillated between anxiety, overwhelm, and total misery. Teetering on a thinning edge. Somedays simultaneously wanting to run away or simply evaporate, unnoticed. Succumbing was never an option as a mother... trapped in a half-life.

Close friends battled ill health, then were cheated of more years. I felt I was squandering time they could have used more wisely. Cue my 'second spring' - a deliberately concious decision to navigate my way out of the pit I felt destined to be buried in. Progressive, carefully considered changes to gradually unpick the tangles, weaving something new of my own.

A key part of my recovery was my need for touch, intimacy, and for my body to revisit a purpose beyond birthing, breastfeeding and caregiving. I was deathly afraid. How to meet these needs without causing hurt or shame to my family...terrifying...but it just felt so very, very necessary.

I researched everything. Safety concerns for women seeking intimate experiences are pivotal. Although supremely cautious, a few online interactions cemented my concerns.

So what was left? An escort? Did they exist? Barrel loads of buff young guys advertise online, happy to park a load for cash, but so far from the medicine I needed.

I found a male companion site in amongst it all that seemed trustworthy and with conscientious aims. I kept looking at that website for over a month. Did the young girl who enjoyed flaunting her body have the courage as a lumpy older lady to be seen naked by a stranger?....What if my body couldn't remember the dance?... What if I was left feeling humiliated and even smaller?

The day I emailed was high stakes...I felt shame that I was 'resorting' to this...why? I had internalized the lack of sex in my marriage as a signal I was totally undesirable.

The message I got in return was slick, reassuring, professional, breezy...I almost choked at this point. But the emails elicited playful feelings and banter from within me I thought I had lost.

We met for drinks.

There was lots of joking, shared interests and laughter... I felt like me again.

Eye contact with smiles, small familiar touches, on my hand, the small of my back, set my nervous system alight and sparked my real need to be close to another human.

Arrangements were made.

Every anxiety my brain presented was quickly quelled with considerate preemptive information, "yes bring wine if you are nervous", "yes I will arrive early and deal with check in", "yes you can pay me cash".

Then the hardest question "tell me some of the things you would like?" This was a true challenge...I could not articulate any desires suppressed for so long.

On the day.

"I am here patiently waiting, room three, first door on the left of the drive...the door is unlocked."

I chugged a purposefully procured portion of 'Dutch courage' to take the edge off nerves that threatened to trap me in the car. I was incredibly jittery but made it to the room of a very nice motel.

A slow build-up of drinks, chit chat, low key contact, and kissing, allowed me to relax enough to be undressed. It was needed as I had none of the bravado and confidence of my youth. I kept closing my eyes, needing to be inside myself. It felt raw and confronting to be naked and intimate after such a long time. My nervous system was in overdrive with sensations and emotions.

Afterwards as we lay together he asked "how do you feel?"

All I could offer was a cliche...

"like a desert after the rain".

I had found a missing part of myself.

About Me